I live in a place, where everyone expects you to be a certain way. There’s like, the good schools, and to have friends at these schools you need to be a certain way. I’ve gotten pretty used to it, but it sucks knowing that you aren’t being 100% yourself. Even your parents and teachers, they’re always saying how they want you to BE YOURSELF. It’s a lie. I mean your parents want you to be a certain way, someone they can be proud of.
My dad was in the army. I hate war.
I mean he never tried to impose his belief in war, but my mom recently told me “I don’t want you to become a hippie” and that was because I asked to go to some kind of art program for summer, she wanted something more mainstream. They haven’t seen my collage, which I am really proud of. Because each time I buy a book about drugs, or talk about them, I see them worry. So I’d rather not make them worry.
With my friends, its the same. I mean, I love my friends, we have a lot in common and we have so much fun together. But sometimes I keep quiet instead of say what I think, or I don’t dress how I would normally dress. It’s complicated. I guess that makes me a hypocrite in a way, I mean I say that normal bores me, yet I’m super normal. I try to show who I really am. Even more, lately. I decided I didn’t want to lose myself. I found some people that I can talk to, so its improving. But even though I’m inside, you feel like an outsider sometimes.