Tag Archives: me

Radiate Happiness

Today someone told me I “Radiate Happiness”.


Have you read this blog? If you haven’t go read one of my posts.They are the most depressing shit ever! (ok not ever, but they are pretty depressing.)

Its nice to know that hey! maybe I have hope.

I am aware that I am not the most beautiful girl out there, but If I can “radiate happiness” and maybe you know, make some people happy, even if its for a little bit, I’m happy. This is propbably the most wonderful compliment I have ever recieved, people have called be pretty and beautiful. But this one took the cake.


I hope you know my happiness after hearing this translates a little into this post. I’ll try to radiate happiness more than sadness, we should all try. Be happy everyone:) Right now, I am.



So I went to the shrink, and I am not depressed.


No, but seriously, he said I have mild symptoms that may or may not develop into depression. I’m sharing this with you, internet world, becuase you have absolutely no idea who I am.

Ahh, the safety of anonimity.

Even if you did know who I am, this is fact, so whatever. So, I got sleeping pills of some natural substance the brian makes to fix my fucked up sleeping patterns. That’s it, I have another date with the doctor in like a week, and we’ll see where it goes from there.

Also, my parents have changed around me, in result, I changed too. It’s not abad change, it was just weird. My parents are now giving more liberties and permissions and stuff. I think they didn’t expect their model kid to turn out depressed, or even close to that. So I believe this is an attempt to make me happy, so that it doesn’t develop into depression. Do not judge me, since that is my belief, I am trying very hard to not take advantage of it. No extra benefits being asked, I promise.

So now I am waiting. My parents are waiting too, but mostly me. I am waiting to see what happens, and I am ready to you know, face whatever does happen. So, whether I’m depressed or not, wish me luck. This is a tough world we live in.


I live in a place, where everyone expects you to be a certain way. There’s like, the good schools, and to have friends at these schools you need to be a certain way. I’ve gotten pretty used to it, but it sucks knowing that you aren’t being 100% yourself. Even your parents and teachers, they’re always saying how they want you to BE YOURSELF. It’s a lie. I mean your parents want you to be a certain way, someone they can be proud of.

My dad was in the army. I hate war.

I mean he never tried to impose his belief in war, but my mom recently told me “I don’t want you to become a hippie” and that was because I asked to go to some kind of art program for summer, she wanted something more mainstream. They haven’t seen my collage, which I am really proud of. Because each time I buy a book about drugs, or talk about them, I see them worry. So I’d rather not make them worry.

With my friends, its the same. I mean, I love my friends, we have a lot in common and we have so much fun together. But sometimes I keep quiet instead of say what I think, or I don’t dress how I would normally dress. It’s complicated. I guess that makes me a hypocrite in a way, I mean I say that normal bores me, yet I’m super normal. I try to show who I really am. Even more, lately. I decided I didn’t want to lose myself. I found some people that I can talk to, so its improving. But even though I’m inside, you feel like an outsider sometimes.


So I read this book in summer. It’s called Tweak by Nic Sheff.

I’m not getting payed or anything to say this, but its an amazing book. I mean my friends read it, pushed by my awesome critique of it. They didn’t like it. They said the main character’s struggle, which is actually real, was suffocating. They couldn’t relate. They did relate to Charlie from Perks of Being a Wallflower. That’s another story though.

For me, you know Nic Sheff, writes it so so true. And then he starts talking about his problems and why he started using (Spoiler: Its about drugs) and you know I relate. I don’t do drugs, and don’t plan to. But its just his insecurities were super similar to mine, and sometimes its nice to know that you’re not the only one out there feeling that way. So I related, I read the book and felt I was reading about the crap I feel about myself.

I read a lot. I’m pretty young, but I read a lot and recently you know I passed through this phase where I didn’t want to read The Clique or Gossip Girl or whatever. I wanted to read things with meaning. So I started trying, I’ve read so much books about drugs, and addicts, I’m reading one about this kid with Tourrette’s Syndrome, but the books itself is too light. It’s not what I was looking for. For some reason, this sad stories, they fascinate me. I don’t know if that means I’m messed up or something. I cry with them too.

Sometimes, it’s nice to know you’re not alone feeling what you feel. Those books, that’s what they do. They make you know you’re not alone.

Also, read Tweak. It really is an amazing book


So I started this blog. It’s like the third blog I ever start, I always write like 2 posts then forget it. The difference this time is that I did this one anonymous, I didn’t put my name anywhere, or a reference to my name. It’s sort of freeing or whatever because who ever reads this blog doesn’t know who I am. Where I live, everyone knows everyone, and you have to live up to certain standards.

It’s called expression of me. Its just whatever I think, whenever. I’m not gonna set up a routine. Sometimes I may write like ten posts, and then not write for months. Maybe no one reads this, but hey I’m just putting my thoughts out there.